Plan B - Vauseman
by M324B21
Summary: Piper sees babies everywhere she goes, and everywhere she looks, and now she really wants a baby too, so she goes and makes an insemination. Her life is about to turn upside down when she finds herself pregnant and madly in love with Alex Vause. ( Okay, I know this is bad, but I promise that the story is great. )
1. Chapter 1

_" I can't believe I didn't get pedicure for this. How embarrassing. Look at that..._ _"_ Piper thought, looking at her bare foot with chipped red nail polish. _"What's wrong with me? If I were with a real guy doing this, I would've gotten a pedicure. And a wax. I'm pathetic. "_ She looked at her other foot, wich is also chipped _. "Fuck, that one is even worse! When did my toes get so fat? No wonder I'm alone. I'm a fat-toed animal. "_

 _" Sorry I didn't get a pedicure " She said out loud._

 _"What?" the doctor asks, looking up from between Piper's knees, the light on his head flashing right in her eyes._

 _" My toes… Sorry. " she answered._

 _" I'm not looking at your toes. " Dr. Childs said, giving her a playful smile._

 _" Right. Duh. "_

 _Dr. Harris stands and takes off his gloves. " All done. "_

 _" That's it? " she asks, happy, but also scared._

 _"That's it! Now, I'll elevate your legs for ten minutes and then you're good to go. " He said, setting a kitchen timer and then pushes a button at the side of the chair, to raise her legs. " Now you just have to relax."_

 _" I can't, I'm freaking out! " she says._

 _"Everything's going to be great. I have a feeling you and... " he stops to check the empty syringe " … number CRM-101404 are going to make beautiful babies together. "_

 _Piper smiles. "_ _Maybe he's right."_ _She thinks "_ _Yeah… Of course he's right."_


	2. Chapter 2

_Four weeks ago..._

 _"Number CRM-101404? Are you high?" said Justin. Justin, 39 (but says he's 33,) gay and gorgeous, opens a file and points to a piece of paper. " Says here he has red hair and freckles."_

 _"And glasses too" I said._

 _" And why are you picking him? "_

 _" Because he's honest. "_

 _"He's ugly "_

 _" And you think they're all telling the truth? " I say, pointing to a stack of potential donors." If they're so smart and good looking, why are they beating off into a cup? "_

 _"Have you ever fucked a guy with red hair and reckless? " Justin asks._

 _" No, and I won't have to."_

 _" What about your kid? No one's going to want to fuck your kid." He thinks for a moment and says " That came out wrong. "_

 _" Yeah… Good thing you're not gonna be the father."_

 _Eight weeks ago…_

 _"WHAT? I can't be the father!" Justin said, totally freaking out._

 _" C'mon, we don't have to have sex." I said, hoping to convince him._

 _"Oh, Jesus, I didn't even think about that. Rewind, rewind, rewind..."_

 _" You're one of my best friends, don't you wanna help me?" I said, giving him a pout face._

 _"Yeah, but...that's too much. I'll walk your dog, tell you when you look fat, be honest about your eyebrows..."_

 _"Just a few sperm. Big deal. You waste billions of them every night!"_

 _"You know I flee at the slightest chance of intimacy. Do you see these bags under my eyes?" He says, showing me the bags. "Ricardo slept over last night, and he wanted to hold me. I actually had to fake a seizure!"_

 _" Forget it. Forget the whole thing." I say, sighing and putting my head in my hands._

 _Twelve weeks ago..._

 _"Forget the whole thing! It's just a phase…" Polly said. She has the same age as I do, but looks so much older… We were sitting at the kitchen table, while she was tempering the chicken. " You don't want kids, trust me."_

 _" Easy for you to say, you have four!"_

 _"Yeah, and it's awful…"_

 _As if they were just waiting her say that, three kids run through the kitchen yelling and screaming. A beat later, a toddler runs after them, crying._

 _" They've ruined my life…" She says, looking at them._

 _"Oh, come on…"_

 _"Have you seen my vagina?!"_

 _I shake my head._

 _" Do you want to?"_

 _I shake my head again._

 _" I would do that for you. To prove to you that you don't want to have kids, I'll show you my vagina."_

 _"I don't want to see your vagina. I want a baby. My own baby!"_

 _" Is it possible you're just a little lonely? You know, you haven't met the right guy and—"_

 _"It's not about a guy. I don't need a guy." I say, stopping her. "I don't even think I want a guy at this point. I've dated a hundred guys in the last five years, and not one of them is even close to being the one. How long am I supposed to wait?"_

 _" You never know. He could be right around the corner…"_

 _"Well, then he's late. And I hate people who are late. And what if he's not right around the corner? What if he's miles away? And what if it's not a he, but_ _a_ _she_ _? Then, would have to do it anyways!"_

 _I shake my head, and frown at Polly. " I want to have a baby. And time is running out. I hear a clock ticking every time I close my eyes. I need it to stop."_

 _I hear a loud DING._

 _I open my eyes and I'm back in the exam room. I look at the timer, which just hit zero. I smile._ I look at my _legs high above me on the table. " How the fuck am I supposed to get down from here?"_

 _I search for the button the doctor pushed earlier, and as soon as I found it, the table starts coming down again._

 _I walk down the hall with my legs pressed firmly together, moving only from the knees down._

 _I pass through Dr. Childs. " You don't have to walk loke that " he says._

 _" Oh. Right." I say, separating my legs an inch, and then closing again. " Should we hug? We might have just made a baby together…" I say, smiling at him. But he just give me his hand, and I shake it._

 _I continue walking down the hall, and when a enter the recepton, I see a pregnant women. I touch my stomach, and smile, finally feeling like I'm part of the exclusive baby club._

 _It's pouring outside. The kind of rain that turns umbrellas inside out. New Yorkers run for cover with newspapers over their heads. Despite the rain, I skip out of the building with my hands in the air and twirl around. I look uptown for a cab. Nope. Nothing. I start to walk, still keeping my legs firmly pressed together. I round the corner towards the subway station and then, miraculously, see a cab._

 _"Taxi!" I scream, running little steps across the street. I enter the cab, and close the door. "Hallelujah!"_

 _As soon as the word comes out of my mouth, I notice someone entering the cab from the other side. It's a raven haired woman, probably a year older than me, she wore black glasses, a white tank top, leather jacket and jeans._

 _"Uh… Excuse me, this is my cab."_

 _"You own it?" she asks._

 _"No, but I'm about to rent it."_

 _"Actually, if you are being technical, you kind of stole it."_

 _"I don't think so."_

 _"If you see someone about to get in a cab, you can't just run in from the other side and say it's yours."_

 _"I didn't see you."_

 _"I saw you see me." She said, giving me a smug smile. "Maybe you're not from around here, but there's a code. It's like war, even though it's brutal and bloody, there are still certain rules we–"_

 _"Fine! Forget it. I'll get out." I grab the door handle and then turn back. "But not because you're right, but because I am in a terrific mood, and you are ruining it."_

 _"No, I'll get out." She says, and we both get out of the cab._


	3. Chapter 3

Plan B – Chap. 2

I walk out of the subway, doing my best to ignore the woman walking behind me.

"So, why are in such good mood anyway?" she asks.

We reach the top of the stairs. The rain has stopped, and the sun is just starting to peek through. Everything is wet and has a magical quality.

"Not that it's any of your business, but… good things are happening to me."

"That's nice. I hope it continues." She says, smiling at me.

"Thanks" I say, smiling back. "Well, have a nice life. Try not to steal any more cabs."

"You do the same." She said, giving me a smug smile and a wink.

I nodded, and we go separate ways.

When I get to the Hudson Pets, my dog wheels towards me, barking.

"Hey, Nutsy. How's it going?" I say, scratching him.

"Oh my god, you're glowing." I hear Justin say. "She's glowing, right?" he says to Lorna.

"Glowin'. Tell us everything!"

"Everything!" Justin says.

"There's not much to tell…"

"You just got shot up with a wad of red-headed-freckle sperm. There's something to tell."

"He had red hair and freckles?!" Lorna asks.

"I tried to talk her out." Justin says.

"Why'd you do that?!"

"I know, right?" Justin says to Lorna.

"Red pubes. Eek…"

"I'm never going to see he's pubes!"

"You'll see your kids pubes." Justin says.

"I doubt it."

"But you'll know they're there."

"What is wrong with you?!"

"So, what happened? C'mon…" Lorna said, grinning.

"I laid down, put my feet up, five minutes later it was over. I barely felt a thing." I explained to them.

"And what happens now?" Justin asks.

"Now, we wait."

"That's no fun, I want to know if I'm going to be a fairy godmother."

"We'll just have to wait and see." I said, smiling and heading to the back of the store.

"Come on, Pipes, one drink. You can have an O'Dhouls or something." Justin say when we're exiting the pet store.

"We'll go to the piano bar and get Justin to sing some Ace of Base." Lorna says, wiggling her eyebrows and smiling at me.

"Forget it. She's not coming. I can tell by the dull look on her face." Justin says.

"Love you!" I said, blowing him a kiss.

We hug each other, and then Justin and Lorna walk away arm-in-arm, singing.

I turn to lock the store up. "Hi" I hear someone say, from behind me.

"AAHHH!" I scream and drop the keys. Nuts, overexcited by my reaction, starts to run/wheel in circles and then tips over. I turn around, seeing that's the woman from the taxi. "You scared the hell out of me!"

"Oh, wow. Is he...okay?" she asks, looking at Nuts. He was still on the ground, his wheels spinning.

I set him upright.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. Or hurt your dog. Don't worry, I'm not a stalker." She says, giving me an apologetic smile.

"How'd know I work here?"

"I followed you after the subway. " she says, thinking for a moment. " That sounds a little stalkery, huh?"

"Yeah."

"I just really wanted to see you again. Almost like I HAD to see you again... Can I walk you home?" she says, thinking again." Is it me or does everything I say make me sound more like a stalker?!"

I allow myself to give her a small smile.

"Can I just give you my card? Here. Take my card. I'm not a freak. Really. I sell cheese." She says, sounding almost proud of herself.

There was a minute of silence.

" Cheese?"

"Yeah. My family has a goat farm. We make cheese. You like cheese?"

"I guess." I say, frowning. "I've never really thought about it."

"Little Goat. Maybe you've seen us at the Farmer's market? Come by sometime and you can taste my cheese." She stops to think again, and then says "Okay, I'm gonna go. This has not gone as planned." she smiles meekly and then turns to go.

"Bye."

She lifts her hand to wave but doesn't even turn around. Clearly, she feels like an idiot. I watches her go.

 _Hi guys! I'm so sorry it took me so long to write another chapter. But now I'm back, and hopefully there will be at least one new chapter every week! I'd like to thank everyone for the reviews. It really means a lot for me that you guys liked it. Hope you like this one. I'm thinking about posting another chapter later, or maybe tomorrow, so I guess I'll see you soon!_

 _xx_


End file.
